Stark truth

In March of this year, I wrote a 3 page piece describing the details of the Hell I experienced between late 2013 and late 2015. It's easily the most brutally honest thing I've ever written. I thought about posting it here or finding an established site I'd feel comfortable sharing it on, but nothing seemed right. I thought about making a zine for it and pairing it with pretty artwork to soften the blow, but I'm still not sure that piece is meant for anyone's eyes but my own. It describes the horrifying way I was treated by a very specific person, but never discloses who this person is. That's because I'm related to this person and I've struggled greatly with knowing how to move on and how to share my story when this person is so closely tied to my life and everyone I know. I've decided to do the exact opposite, though, and just say who it is.

My youngest brother (who is 5 years older than I am) hurt me irrevocably when I was a child. He moved away from home before I started high school and for many, many years, I was happy. Then, he moved back in November 2013 (abruptly, without warning) and put me through the worst Hell I've ever known. To say the ground was pulled out from under me is an understatement. My entire understanding of reality was burned alive inside of me. I never knew I could feel pain so intense. For 2+ years, I lived in constant fight or flight mode, unable to think clearly or breathe properly. I couldn't even begin to process what was happening, let alone all he had done to me throughout my life.

This all happened, of course, during a transitional phase in my life, when I was deciding what to do next (do I go back to school?, do I move?, do I start a business?). I fell quickly into a deep depression, which led me to feel like a stranger inside my own body. I began having panic attacks every time I went out in public. I picked up old, self-destructive habits. I disengaged from social media completely (even Facebook). Simultaneously, I watched those I love most get sick and be hospitalized. It felt as though someone had grabbed me from behind and thrown me off a moving truck (and like I've been trying to catch up to that truck with my own 2 feet ever since).

I've struggled with understanding why this happened to me (whilst completely aware that horrible things happen every day to people, which only deepens my uncertainty), but I do know that because this person is related to me, it would've happened at some point, and maybe it happened at the best possible point in time. It's in the past now, but it still occupies my thoughts far more than I wish it would, and in a sad turn of events, this person (my brother) is now reaping what he's sown in a very real and scary way. Despite everything (which is a lot), I don't wish him harm and his current state further complicates my emotions even more. All I can say now is that people really do reap what they sow and I've never seen this truth unfold so plainly before my eyes. I wish everything could've turned out differently, but I'm at least grateful to know how strong of a person I really am.

Farewell 2016

2016 was a pretty great year - not in the world at large (that's another post) - but in my own life, and I'm very grateful. I don't think I've ever been more excited for what a new year will bring.

For no real reason, I'm going to post a list I made last year of my Top 14 Favourite Songs Of 2015. After my last post, I realized how nice it is to have all my favourite songs from one time period together (and not just the songs, but the videos, too). So, I'm really just posting this for my own sake, but maybe someone else will enjoy it?

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Alabama Shakes - Future People

All Them Witches - Blood And Sand / Milk And Endless Waters

Baroness - Shock Me

Chelsea Wolfe - Grey Days

Christine And The Queens - Tilted

Deafheaven - Come Back

Ghost - From The Pinnacle To The Pit

Grimes - Flesh Without Blood

Joy Williams - What A Good Woman Does

Marina And The Diamonds - Forget

Panopticon - Into The North Woods

Tame Impala - Let It Happen

Tribulation - Strange Gateways Beckon

Wolf Alice - Moaning Lisa Smile

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Anyway, I hope anyone reading this is doing well and I hope your 2017 is genuinely awesome and fulfilling. I'll see ya on the other side.

Favourite songs of 2016

Clearly, I like writing about music (which really just means I like organizing my favourite music), so I've made a list of my Top 14 Favourite Songs Of 2016. I simply listed them in alphabetical order and put a star next to my top 4. :)

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Beyonce - Formation

David Bowie - Blackstar

Garbage - Empty

Ghost - Square Hammer *

(I wore this outfit a little while ago, but never posted it. It's a sweater from Nordstrom over a little cropped hoodie from Bob's over a dress from a boutique.)

Iggy Pop - Sunday *

John Paul White - What's So

Mantar - Era Borealis *

Metallica - Moth Into Flame

PJ Harvey - The Wheel

Rihanna - Kiss It Better

Run The Jewels - Legend Has It

Russian Circles - Vorel

Sturgill Simpson - Brace For Impact (Live A Little) *

Tobacco - Home Invasionaries